Faith and Isolation

Having your first child at age 41 limits one's options for more than one. My daughter understands the benefits of being an only child – never having to share toys, having your own room, etc. - but she also knows it would be nice to play daily with a sibling.

Luckily, she is an independent child that can occupy herself for hours on end. At age four, I decided she was going to be an architect. She could utilize a whole deck of cards making a card house. At age six, she informed me that I had better keep all of her daily art sketches because some day she would be a famous artist and the drawings would be worth something! Her most recent venue is making stop-motion videos with her hand-me-down camera.

Just when I think I know where her future lies, she amazes me with a new interest or talent. I believe my role as her parent is to expose her to enough activities and experiences that she can figure out not only where her talents lie, but what could invigorate her as a life-long career choice. Now I am not one of those overachiever moms who thinks her child must be involved in everything starting at age 4. But it is fun to see the talents emerge over time.

My husband, like myself, was raised in the United Methodist church. We met at church. We met in a singles class in a large urban church. This setting frequently attracted people who were attending strictly for the social opportunities and never set foot in a worship service.

I found this behavior offensive. So on our first date, I asked my husband if he was a lifelong Methodist. He replied, “Well, I guess you could say I am, since my father is a Methodist preacher.” He passed my litmus test! As a married couple and now as a family, we continue to worship regularly in the Methodist church.

Unlike my daughter, my husband and I were not only children. I have three siblings, my husband has two. Isn't it interesting how siblings can grow up in the same house, with the same parents, and develop drastically different value systems. All of our siblings have continued to attend worship regularly in the Methodist church, except one. My sister-in-law, her husband, and four children have left traditional religion to participate in a fringe denomination.

The children are home-schooled. They live on a 75-acre farm in the middle of nowhere. Although computers and other technology are acceptable, there is no television. They are attempting to live off the land. They eat good!

But they are very isolated. Except for their small worship community, they seldom interact with anyone, but themselves. My brother-in-law goes to work everyday, but the rest of the family spends most of their days at home.

The children do not participate in any extra-curricular activities. There is no trick or treating, no softball leagues, no school field days, no water or amusement park outings, no summer camp.

The oldest child has completed her home-schooling. She will not be attending college. I suspect it is because the children are never allowed to interact with anyone or within any situation that cannot be monitored by the parents.

I worry about these nieces and nephews. Will they ever live independently from their parents? Will they marry someone of their choice? Will they ever be exposed to opinions different from their parents? Will they follow their dreams?

They are happy children who get along very well with each other. When not milking the cow or feeding the chickens, they play a lot of games, play music, read. But they are so very sheltered. The females are being raised to be a good “housewife”.

My daughter has no built-in playmates. We live in an older neighborhood. There are no children on our block. She loves visiting the “farm”. While there, we play endless games around the expansive kitchen table. She plays hard, but not in front of the television or on video games.

I have worried that someday she will think her cousin's daily lives strange. That she will ask why the girls have long hair and wear long dresses. Why their religious beliefs are so very different from ours. To my surprise, my daughter cried when we left the last time we visited. She begged us to turn around for hours when we departed.

On the long drive home, I had as Oprah says, an “Ah Ha” moment. My daughter and her cousins are both isolated but in very different ways. We provide Abigail a rich exposure to experiences outside our home, to people different from herself. But we cannot provide her a sibling, a built-in playmate. Her cousins have rich experiences interacting with each other within the home, but have limited life-experiences outside the home.

Is it possible to create the best of both worlds? I wonder.